so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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