What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
