evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
