it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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