Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
