Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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