Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
