How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
