Everything about him screamed your future.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
