I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
