i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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