Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
