saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
