I think my fart just growled at me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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