The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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