Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
