The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.