So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
