Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
