Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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