I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
