You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
