I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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