i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
