you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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