i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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