rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
