If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
cat food counts as protein by the way
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.