you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
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Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
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And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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