can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
