Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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