if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
