she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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