20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
