the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
