Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
