UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
