last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
