Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Swine flu. Run for my life!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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