Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
