So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
