Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
