You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
