I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
