I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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