Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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