just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
