If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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