I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
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