her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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