I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
