Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
