jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
