im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
