please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
